Pays every time —— 每一次都付了_一次,付了,每,time,every,Pays,_英语幽默笑话_作文地带

?Pays every time —— 每一次都付了_一次,付了,每,time,every,Pays,_英语幽默笑话_作文地带：
　　A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. “Have you ever paid for sex?” the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly. Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, “Every time.”

　　一位朋友与她的丈夫在一辆献血车上参加献血活动，而作为预选过程的一部分，一位上了年纪的志愿者要问他们一些问题。“你有没有曾经为性生活付过钱？（言下之意：有没有在外沾花惹草的经历）”， 那位女志愿者用甜美的声音问我朋友的丈夫。朋友的丈夫疲倦地瞥了他妻子一眼， 同时尽力地哄着刚出生不久的宝宝， 眼睛还得盯着在妻子身边乱转的另外几个孩子，叹了口气，说道，“每一次都付了。”

　　joozone.com

　　Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, “Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won’t light up.” The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, “$350 dollars! You didn’t do anything for my Rudolph and you’re charging me $350 dollars?” The vet shrugged and replied, “That’s the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN.”

　　圣诞老人带着可怜的Rudolph到了兽医诊所。他对兽医说，“大夫，请帮帮我的Rudolph吧，他的鼻子不红了！”。兽医走到房间外，拿了一个宠物笼回来。他把宠物笼放在那只驯鹿的身旁，打开笼子，里面慢慢踱出一只猫。那只猫绕着驯鹿走了几圈，深深吸了口气，然后就回到笼子里去了。兽医将笼子拿回房间外，然后回到屋里，他交给圣诞老人一张帐单。圣诞老人气吁吁地说，“350美元！你根本还没治疗我的Rudolph，还向我要350美元？”兽医耸了耸肩，回答道，“这只是常规费用，其中门诊费50美元，猫扫描费300美元。”

　　joozone.com

　　The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

　　”What’s wrong ?” she asked.

　　The friend told her that she had “morning sickness”.

　　Surprised the neighbor said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant.”

　　”I’m not.” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just sick of mornings.”

　　一个邻居顺道去拜访自己的一位朋友，发现她正呆坐在厨房的桌子旁，眼睛茫然地盯着已经喝了一半的咖啡，她的三个孩子正在隔壁的房间里大声地喧哗。

　　“怎么了？”她问。

　　朋友告诉她自己不过是有点“晨起反应”。

　　邻居非常吃惊，说，“我甚至都不知道你又怀孕了！”

　　“哦，我没有怀孕，”年轻的妇人苦恼地回答，“我只是腻烦透了早上而已！”

　　joozone.com

　　Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband, Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. “Thank God you answered,” I said when Scott picked up. “There’s this alarming sound coming under the van. For a moment I thought I was dragging you down the highway.” And you didn’t stop?”

　　我的货车被大雪埋在了我家的车道上了。 我的丈夫Scott 把车轮四周的雪挖了出来，然后前后摇晃货车,我才最后得以把货车开了出来。 车行驶在路上的时候，我听到了一种奇怪的声音,于是我拿起手机，给家里打电话。 “感谢上帝，你接电话了，”当Scott拿起电话的时候，我说， “货车下面的声音好吓人，有那么一阵子，我都在想，我是不是把你给拽到公路上了。”“这样你都不停车？”

　　joozone.com

　　A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

　　He thought to himself, “Life isn’t so bad after all.” and got off the railing.

　　He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

　　”Thank you,” he said,” I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

　　”Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly. “My left foot itches, I can’t scratch it!”

　　有个男人刚刚丢了工作。他站在一座大桥的栏杆上，正准备往下跳，突然发现一个没有手臂的矮个子男人正在下面的河岸上跳舞。

　　他想，“其实我的生活还不算太糟糕。” 于是就从栏杆上爬了下来。

　　他走下河岸，想要感谢那个矮个子男人救了他一命。

　　“谢谢你，” 他说，“ 我本来打算从那座桥上跳下去自杀，但后来我改变了主意，因为我看到你虽然没有手臂，却依然能舞蹈。”

　　“跳舞？我可不是在跳舞！” 那个人痛苦地回答，“我的左脚痒得厉害，但就是挠不到！”

　　joozone.com

　　The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

　　He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “Regret cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others.”

　　一个远离家乡在海外服役的士兵收到女友写来的信，信中要求和他解除婚约并且想要回她的照片，看了信，士兵又生气又心烦，于是他走到外面，到他的朋友那里搜集了能找到的他们不要的女人的照片，然后把它们捆在一起，附上一张纸条给女友寄了回去，纸条上写着，“很抱歉，我记不清哪个是你了，请留下你自己的照片，然后把其他的寄回来。”

　　joozone.com

　　Our daughter was filling us in on her date the night before.They had driven to a neighboring city for dinner and a show.When her father asked her where the restaurant was located,she said,”You know,I really can’t tell you.I was enjoying the ride,the company and the scenery,and all of a sudden we were there.”

　　”I understand perfectly,”her father said.”That’s exactly how your mother and I arrived at middle age!”

　　我们的女儿向我们介绍她昨晚和男朋友约会地情况。他们开着车去邻近的一个城市吃晚饭并看一场演出。当她爸爸问她去的那个饭馆在什么地方时，她说:“您知道，我真的说不出来。我俩一路上亲亲热热地东瞧西望，欣赏路旁的景色，开心极了，一晃就到了那里。”

　　”我全知道了,”她爸爸说.”我和你妈妈就是那样一晃就到了中年了.”

　　joozone.com

　　A YOUNG blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says “Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!”. Billy says, “Ok mommy.” and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams “MOMMY! I’m still blind, my wish didn’t come true!”, the mom answered, “I know – April Fools!”

　　来源：网络

　　joozone.com

　　Somewhat sceptical of his son’s newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.

　　”Please, Dad,” pleaded the boy, “I promise I’ll use ’em every day.”

　　”I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.

　　”Please, Dad?” the boy continued.

　　”They’re not cheap either,” the father came back.

　　”I’ll use ’em Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”

　　Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

　　From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?”

　　儿子最近决心要成为Charles Atlas，对于这个决定，父亲多少有点怀疑，不过他还是陪着儿子去了举重器材商店，在那里他们看上了一套举重器材。

　　“哦，爸爸，给我买一套吧，”儿子企求道，“我答应我一定每天都会用它们来练习的。”

　　“我也不知道，Michael。这对你来说的确是一项承诺，”父亲对儿子指出这一点。

　　“好不好嘛，爸爸？”男孩继续央告。

　　“而且这套器材可不便宜。”父亲又说。

　　“我真的会天天练的，爸爸，我答应你。你会看到的。”

　　最后，父亲被说服了，他买了这套设备，然后向门外走去。

　　就在这个时候，他听到儿子在商店角落里尖叫着嚷道，“什么!你的意思是我得一个人把这些东西扛到车上去？”

　　joozone.com

　　I can go home

　　One day after school the teacher said to his students, “Tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my firstquestion, I will permit him or her to go home earlier.” The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, “Who did it? Please stand up!”. “It’s me,” said Bob, “Now, I can go home. Good-bye, Sir.”

　　我可以回家了

　　一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说：“明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能首先回答我的问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。”第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板被涂得乱七八糟，他非常生气的问：“谁涂的？请站起来！” 鲍勃说：“先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见！”

　　joozone.com

　　愚人节人们为什么疲倦

　　时间:2010-08-07来源:英语学习网络整理栏目:英语幽默笑话作者:作文地带 英语作文收藏:收藏本文

　　Why are people tired on April Fool’s Day? （愚人节人们为什么疲倦？） Because they have just had a long March. ( 因为他们刚过了长长的三月。March 三月；行军) 来源：网络

　　Why are people tired on April Fool’s Day? （愚人节人们为什么疲倦？）

　　Because they have just had a long March. ( 因为他们刚过了长长的三月。March 三月；行军)

　　来源：网络

　　joozone.com

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　　A New Mum took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her.

　　At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. The child was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother won’t let him have any, she thought.

　　Then she heard his mother’s reply. “No!” she said, looking in her direction. “You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!”

　　一个年轻的妈妈头一回带着她的宝贝女儿到超市买东西，她把小宝贝从头到脚穿上粉红色的衣服。在商场，她把小女孩放在购物车里，把买来的东西都推在孩子周围。

　　在付款台前排队时，一个小男孩和他妈妈正好排在她们前面。那个小男孩在哭，看上去在向他妈要着什么东西，年轻的妈妈想，这个小孩一定是要糖果或是口香糖之类的玩意儿，而他妈妈又不给，所以才闹得这么厉害。

　　然而就在这个时候，她听到男孩的妈妈一边回答说，“不行，”一边往她的方向看过来，“你今天不能买一个小妹妹了，那位女士把最后一个买走了！”

　　joozone.com

　　When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

　　”Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

　　”Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?” the manager asked.

　　”That’s the one!”

　　”That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me.Why is your hand bandaged?”

　　”Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.”

　　服装店经理吃完午餐回来，发现店员的手包上了绷带，没等他问，店员告诉他一个非常好的消息。

　　“猜猜看发生什么事了，经理。”店员说，“我终于把那套一直压在这儿的难看透顶的西装卖出去了！”

　　“不是那件粉红带蓝条的双排扣套装吧！那套衣服实在太可怕了！”

　　“就是那件。”

　　“太棒了！”经理叫道，“我一直以为我们无法处理掉那件怪物了，那是我们有过最难看的西装。对了，你的手怎么上绷带了？”

　　“哦，”店员说，“当我把那件西装卖给客人以后，他的导盲犬扑上来咬了我一口。”

　　joozone.com

　　The first of April is commonly known as April Fools’ Day, and it is customarily on this day to play a trick on a friend. If your friend falls into the trap, then he or she is an April Fool.It isn’t only children that like such jokes. Grownups like such pranks, too.

　　Even the media occasionally try to deceive the public with a clever April Fool story. Some years ago, for example, a famous joke was played on the radio. A scientific correspondent reported that strange gjoozoneogical changes had resulted in weaker gravity in different parts of Britain. He asked listeners to jump up and down and see if they could jump higher than they normally could. Many people did. The hundreds of calls the BBC received proved how successful the hoax was. Not until twelve o’clock did the BBC gently remind its listeners it was April Fools’ Day that day.

　　Making jokes only lasts until the noon of the day, the rule is rigid and everywhere acknowledged. Anyone who tries to make a fool after midday is a bigger fool than he who has been fooled. The late trickster is instantly rebuffed.

　　When did April Fool this custom start? According to a well-researched story of the origin of the day, it was started in 1545 by a rather unfortunate accident. A Norwegian scientist, Loof Lirpa, was staying in London, where he was trying to find the secret of how to fly.

　　The scientist was eccentric, but there was no doubt that he was clever. It seems that his experiments were successful: King Henry VIII received a letter from Mr. Lirpa, in which he announced that he had finally solved the secret of flight. He asked the king to be present at a demonstration flight at Westminster on April 1.

　　So the king and the leading politicians of the day stood ouside the Palace of Westminster on April 1, and waited for Mr. Lirpa to come flying past. But nothing happened– and it became the tradition afterwards to play tricks on people in the same way on this day.

　　However, evidence proved later that Loof Lirpa was not playing a trick: he was in fact telling the truth. He had learnt how to fly– the reason that he didn’t appear at Westminster was that his flying-machine had crashed into a tree, and he had been killed.It was a tragedy for science. The scientist, unfortu-nately, was very secretive. When he died, the secret died with him.

　　来源：网络

　　joozone.com

　　A big burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

　　”Madam,” he said in a broken voice,” I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”

　　”How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”

　　The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord.” he sobbed.

　　一个高大魁梧的男人到牧师家拜访，他要求会见牧师的妻子，这是一个以有着慈悲心肠而闻名的妇女。

　　男人用令人心碎的声音说，“夫人，我希望能引起您的注意的是，这个地区有一户人家现在生活特别困顿，父亲死了，母亲也因重病无法工作，九个孩子都在挨饿。他们即将被赶到空荡荡的大街上，如果没有人为他们付400美元的房租的话。”

　　“这么糟糕！”牧师的妻子惊叫，“我能问问您是谁吗？”

　　这个富于同情心的访客用手绢拭着眼睛，啜泣着说：“我就是他们的房东。”

　　joozone.com

　　A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring just the right wind direction and speed. Driving his partner absolutely nuts.

　　Finally, his exasperated partner say, “Why are you taking so long? Just hit the blasted Ball!!!”

　　The guy answers, “Look, my wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

　　“Ah, forget it man, you’re never gonna hit her from here…”

　　一个高尔夫球手准备开球已经好长时间了。他往上看看，往下看看，测量了一下距离，又计算了适当的风向和风速。这弄得他的搭档简直要发疯了。

　　最后，恼怒已极的搭档终于开口了，“你干吗搞那么长时间啊？只要击出那个该死的球就行了嘛！！！”

　　球手说，“你瞧，我老婆正在会所那里看着我打球呢，我想打出完美的一杆”。

　　“啊，你想都别想，老兄，在这里，你休想击中她。。。”

　　joozone.com

　　男：Can I buy you a drink?

　　我可以为你买一杯饮料吗？

　　女：Actually I’d rather have the money.

　　不必，我很有钱。

　　男：Can I have your name?

　　直译：我能有你的名字吗？

　　女：Why? Don’t you already have one?

　　为什么？你不是已经有一个了吗？

　　男：I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.

　　我是摄影师。我一直在寻找一张像你这样的脸。

　　女：I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.

　　我是整形外科医生。我也一直在寻找一张像你这样的脸。

　　男：Is this seat empty?

　　直译：这个座位是空的吧？

　　女：Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

　　是的，如果你坐下，我的座位就是空的。

　　男：Haven’t I seen you some place before?

　　我好象以前在什么地方见过你？

　　女：Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.

　　是的。这就是为什么我不再去那个地方的原因。

　　男：Will you go out with me this Saturday?

　　这个星期六你想跟我出去吗？

　　女：Sorry. I’m having a headache this weekend.

　　抱歉。这个周末我头疼。

　　男：I think I could make you very happy.

　　我想我能让你非常快乐。

　　女：Why? Are you leaving?

　　是吗？你是说你要离开？

　　joozone.com

　　A philosophy professor warned the class he was going to give them a test. When the day came he entered the classroom, wordlessly placed his chair on the table and, turning to the blackboard, wrote, “Prove to me this chair does not exist.” Most of the nervous students began intently scribbling out long dissertations. But one member of the class wrote down just two words, and then handed his paper to the teacher. The professor had to smile when he read the student’s answer: “What chair?”

　　一位哲学教授通知学生他要举行一场考试。考试那天，他走进教室，一言不发地把自己的椅子放到讲台上，然后转身在黑板上写道，“请向我证明这张椅子不存在。”大多数学生很紧张，都开始专心地写他们的论文。只有一个学生只写了两个单词就交卷了。当教授看到这个学生的答案时，不由微笑了，只见他写的是：“什么椅子啊？”

　　joozone.com

　　A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.

　　While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

　　Along came the Game Warden in his boat, pulled up alongside the woman’s boat and asked her what she’s doing?

　　She said, “Reading my book.”

　　The Game Warden told her she was in a restricted fishing area and she explained that she’s not fishing. To which he replied, “But you have all this equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up. “

　　”If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” said the woman.

　　”But I haven’t even touched you,” said the Game warden.

　　”That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you can start at any moment,” said the woman.

　　一对夫妇去北边的一个旅游胜地度假。丈夫喜欢钓鱼，而妻子喜欢看书。一天上午丈夫早早就起床去钓鱼，回来后就想打个盹儿。

　　丈夫睡觉的时候，妻子决定自己划船出去。她对这个湖不太熟悉，所以划出去不远就抛下锚停好船，开始看书。

　　这时一个渔猎巡警划着船过来了，他把船停靠在这位妇女的船边，问她在干什么。

　　她说，“我在看书。”

　　渔猎巡警告诉她现在她正位于禁止钓鱼区，妇女解释说自己没有在钓鱼。对此巡警回答说，“但你带了的装备，据我所知你随时可以开始钓鱼。我只好拘留你并给你发传票。”

　　“如果你这样做的话，我会控告你对我进行性侵犯。”妇女说。

　　“可是我连碰都没有碰你一下，”渔猎警长说。

　　“没错，但你带了的装备。据我所知你随时可以开始对我进行性侵犯。”妇女说。

　　joozone.com

　　Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aeroplane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small plane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting.

　　Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

　　His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

　　After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, “Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don’t they?”

　　”Those are ants,” answered his friend. “We’re still on the ground.”

　　约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机，他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非常担心，不敢接受。不过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞机。

　　他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。

　　过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人，他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是？”

　　“那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面上。”

　　joozone.com