趣味英语

?趣味英语：
　　Tom likes fish very much. He often buys some fish in the shop and takes it home. But when his wife sees the fish, she says to herself, “Good ! I can ask my friends to have lunch, and we can eat the fish. They like fish very much.” So when Tom comes home in the evening, the fish is not there and his wife always says, “Oh,your cat eats it ” And she gives Tom some bread for his supper.. Tom is very angry. He takes the cat and his wife to the shop near his house and weighs(称重) the cat. Then he turns to his wife and says, “My fish weigh one kilo（公斤）. This cat weighs one, too. My fish is here, you see, then where is my cat”汤姆非常喜欢吃鱼。他常到店里去买鱼带回家。但是当他妻子看到鱼的时候，自言自语说：“真好!我可以邀请我的朋友来吃午饭，我们可以一起吃鱼，他们很喜欢吃鱼的”。

　　所以到了晚上，汤姆回家的时候发现鱼没有了。他妻子说：“噢，你的猫吃了你的鱼”。她让汤姆吃了些面包当作晚餐。汤姆很生气，他带着猫和妻子来到他家附近的店铺，开始称猫的体重。之后，他转向妻子说：“我的鱼有一公斤，这只猫也是一公斤。我的鱼在这里你看（指着手中的猫），那么我的猫呢？”。

　　Dicky is a young boy. He is from China . One day he went to the downstair to got a book . “Look out . ” someone suddenly said.Dicky hurry to look out of the window. The water was down from upstair. oh Dicky was stil a young boy . He must learn English yet.

　　Art Festival Highlights

　　ICA FolkFest, Victoria, British Columbia

　　Eastside Culture Crawl, Vancouver, British Columbia

　　WordFest, Calgary/Banff, Alberta

　　Banff Summer Arts Festival, Banff, Alberta

　　Yorkton Short Film and Video Festival Yorkton, Saskatchewan

　　Contact Toronto Photography Festival, Toronto, Ontario

　　Toronto International Film Festival, Toronto, Ontario

　　ArtsWeek, Toronto, Ontario

　　Ottawa International Animation Festival, Ottawa, Ontario (English and French only)

　　Festival Montreal en Arts, Montreal, Quebec (English and French only)

　　International Festival of Films on Art, Montréal, Québec (English and French only)

　　Blue Metropolis Montreal International Literary Festival, Montreal, Quebec (English, French and Spanish only)

　　Atlantic Film Festival, Halifax, Nova Scotia

　　Yukon International Storytelling Festival, Whitehorse, Yukon

　　Great Northern Arts Festival, Inuvik, Northwest Territories

　　Food & Wine Festivals

　　Rich, creamy chocolates made lovingly by hand. Seductive wines with a smooth, lasting finish. Fresh, juicy lobster caught in the morning, drizzled with butter by early evening. These are but a few of Canada’s unique flavours – gastronomic delights well worth celebrating.

　　Food & Wine Festival Highlights

　　West Coast Chocolate Festival, Coquitlam, British Columbia (English and French only)

　　Cornucopia, Whistler, British Columbia

　　Hopscotch Festival of Scotch, Whisky and Beer, Vancouver, British Columbia

　　Okanagan Wine Festivals, British Columbia

　　Rocky Mountain Wine & Food Festival, Calgary, Alberta

　　Toronto Taste, Toronto, Ontario

　　Santé: The Bloor-Yorkville Wine Festival, Toronto, Ontario

　　Niagara Grape & Wine Festival, Niagara, Ontario

　　Festival Epicure, Windsor, Ontario

　　Montreal Passion Vin, Montreal, Quebec (English and French only)

　　La Fête des vendanges, Magog-Orford, Québec (English and French only)

　　Shediac Lobster Festival, Shediac, New Brunswick (English and French only)

　　Annapolis Valley Apple Blossom Festival, Annapolis Valley, Nova Scotia

　　Chocolate Fest, St. Stephen, New Brunswick

　　Prince Edward Island International Shellfish Festival, Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island

　　Heritage Festivals

　　Swirling colours and rhythms of distant lands or times past. Aromas and flavours of traditional foods prepared the old-fashioned way. Celebrations that get hearts pumping and raise the spirits of everyone within earshot. In a culture of many cultures, there is a lot to celebrate and just as many ways to do it. Canada’s vibrant cultural festivals help us pay homage to the people, places, and relationships that have shaped our nation’s history, personality and future.

　　Festivals & Events

　　Audiences tap their feet, roar with laughter and applause. Communities gather to celebrate their heritage, participate in tradition. The best in Canadian and international talent come together to share ideas and experiences. Festivals and events bring all sorts of people together for all sorts of reasons. But the basic reason is to have a good time. So come to Canada, and join the party.

　　Theatre Festivals

　　When the lights go down, you suspend your disbelief and enter a world, sometimes familiar, sometimes strange, where characters act and react with emotions as visceral as your own. Words carry more weight. When the lights come back up, the “real” world seems slightly changed somehow – or is it you that’s changed Whatever the case may be, you can’t wait for the next show.

　　Theatre Festival Highlights

　　Bard on the Beach Shakespeare Festival, Vancouver, British Columbia

　　PuSh International Performing Arts Festival, Vancouver, British Columbia

　　Edmonton International Fringe Theatre Festival, Edmonton, Alberta

　　Shakespeare on the Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

　　World Stage, Toronto, Ontario

　　Summerworks Theatre Festival, Toronto, Ontario

　　Stratford Festival, Stratford, Ontario

　　Shaw Festival, Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario

　　Magnetic North Theatre Festival, Ottawa, Ontario

　　Just For Laughs Comedy Festival, Montréal, Québec (English and French only)

　　Theatre New Brunswick, Fredericton, New Brunswick

　　Nova Scotia International Tattoo, Halifax, Nova Scotia

　　Atlantic Theatre Festival, Wolfville, Nova Scotia

　　Charlottetown Festival, Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island (English and French only)

　　Gros Morne Theatre Festival, Newfoundland & Labrador

　　Caribou Carnival, Yellowknife, Northwest Territories

　　Art Festivals

　　Stories told with passion and wit entrance a mixed audience. Arresting images of beauty, courage and triumph make a lasting impression. Informal discussions about the ideas presented are as engaging as the works themselves. Canada celebrates the world of creativity with stimulating festivals that light sparks of inspiration in all of us.

　　《思路决定高度》

　　那年我十五岁。

　　爸妈有事去外地，留了点钱给我和我弟弟当生活费，我和弟弟都用来买零食和饮料啤酒喝了。

　　没相反他们提前回来了，家里到处都是塑料瓶和废塑料袋，老爸一脸铁青的问这是什么回事？只见弟弟哇的哭了起来，说钱当天就被偷了，这几天就靠捡这些废塑料和酒瓶卖点钱过日子，还问同学借了不少……我当时就惊呆了。

　　老爸听后泣不成声，杀了老母鸡还给了钱让快点还给人家。我至今都不敢相信这是一个八岁孩子能说出来的话……

　　现在弟弟已经是某副省长了，我则混了个无业游民。

　　翻译：

　　《The thought determines the height》

　　I was fifteen.

　　My parents went away on business and left some money for me and my brother to live on. My brother and I spent it on snacks and drinks and beer.

　　Instead, they came home early. There were plastic bottles and plastic bags all over the house. I saw the younger brother cry, said that the money was stolen the same day, these days by collecting these waste plastic and bottles to sell money, and also asked students to borrow a lot I was stunned.

　　Dad heard this and cried. He killed the old hen and gave the money back to the family quickly. I cant believe its an eight-year-old saying

　　Now my brother is a vice governor, and Im a jobless bum.

　　1、Cat and Mice 猫和老鼠

　　Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small boxwith holes punched in the top.

　　”Whats in your box” asked the friend.

　　”A cat,” answered Mrs Brown. “You see Ive beendreaming about mice at night and Im so scared! This cat is to catchthem.”

　　”But the mice are only imaginary,” said the friend.

　　”So is the cat,” whispered Mrs Brown.

　　布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友，她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。“盒子里装的是什么？”朋友问道。“一只小猫，”布朗夫人回答说，“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠，我非常害怕。这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友说。“小猫也是假想的。”布朗夫人小声说道。

　　2、I think that Im a chicken 我是一只鸡

　　Psychiatrist: Whats your problem

　　Patient: I think Im a chicken.

　　Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on

　　Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

　　精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？

　　病人：我认为我是一只鸡。

　　精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？

　　病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始的。

　　3、I Am Acting Like a Lady 我要表现得像位女士

　　One day when womens dresses were on sale at the FarEast DepartmentStore, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soonfound himself being battered by frantic women.

　　He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and armsflailing, he plowed through the crowed.

　　”You there!” challenged a thrill voice. “Cant youact like a gentleman”

　　”Listen,” he said, “I have been acting like agentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady.”

　　一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。

　　他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。

　　“你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得像位绅士吗？”

　　“听着，”他说，“我过去一小时一直表现得像一位绅士。从现在起，我要表现得像位女士。”

　　4、The Broom Seller and the Barber 卖扫帚的人和理发师

　　A man who sold brooms went into a barbers shop to get shaved. Thebarber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for theprice of it.

　　”Two pence,” said the man.

　　”No, no,” said the barber, “I will give you a penny,and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again.”

　　The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave.

　　”A penny.” said the barber.

　　”I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, youmay put my beard on again.”

　　一个卖扫帚的人去一家理发店修面。理发师向他买了一把扫帚。当理发师给他修完面后，问了一下扫帚的价钱。

　　卖扫帚的人说：“两便士。”

　　“不，不。”理发师说，“我只出一便士。如果你认为不够的话，可以把扫帚拿回去。”

　　卖扫帚的人取回了扫帚，随后问修面要付多少钱。

　　卖扫帚的人说：“我只能给你半个便士，如果你认为不够的话，你可以把胡子再替我装上。”

　　5、Want a Day Off 想请一天假

　　Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.”Boss,” he says, “Were doing some heavy house-cleaning at hometomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, movingand hauling stuff.” “Were short-handed, Smith,” the bossreplies. “I cant give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,”says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”

　　一天，史密斯去见他的客户部领导。“老板，”斯密斯说，“我们家明天要大搞清洁，我老婆需要我回去帮忙清洁阁楼和车库，搬搬挪挪什么的。”“斯密斯啊，你也知道，我们现在人手已经不够了。”老板说，“明天的假我是没法给你批了”。“多谢老板，”史密斯说，“我果然没信错人。”

　　6、I Lost 我输了

　　It was at a five o’clock tea. A young man came tothe hostess to apologize for his lateness.

　　“So good of you to come, Mr. Jones, and where isyour brother”

　　“You see were very busy in the office and only oneof us could come, so we tossed up for it.”

　　“How nice! And so original, too! And you won”

　　“No,” said the young man absently, “I lost.”

　　五点钟，下午茶的时间，一个年轻人因为迟到向女主人致歉。

　　“您能来可真好，琼斯先生，您的兄弟在哪儿呢？”

　　“您知道我们公司很忙，我们俩只能来一个，所以就掷币来决定由谁来。”

　　“太有意思了！还那么有创意！那您赢了？”

　　“不，”年轻人心不在焉地说，“我输了。”

　　7、The Old Cat 老猫

　　An old woman had a cat. The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old.One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mouse. But she could not bite it; so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it.

　　Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse. She began to hit the cat. The cat said, “Do not hit your old servant. I have worked for you for many years,and I would work for you still, but I am too old. Do not be unkind to the old,but remember what good work the old did when they were young.”

　　一位老妇有只猫，这只猫很老，它跑不快了，也咬不了东西，因为它年纪太大了。一天，老猫发现一只老鼠，它跳过去抓这只老鼠，然而，它咬不住这只老鼠。因此，老鼠从它的嘴边溜掉了，因为老猫咬不了它。于是，老妇很生气，因为老猫没有把老鼠咬死。她开始打这只猫，猫说：“不要打你的老仆人，我已经为你服务了很多年，而且还愿意为你效劳，但是，我实在太老了，对年纪大的不要这么无情，要记住老年人在年青时所做过的有益的事情。

　　8、There Good Friends 三个好朋友

　　One day, a monkey rides his bike near the river. This time he sees a lion under a tree. The lion runs at him. He is afraid and falls into the river. He can’t swim. He shouts. The rabbit hears him. He jumps into the river. The rabbit swims to the monkey, but he can’t help him. Luckily, an elephant comes along. He is very strong. He helps the rabbit and monkey. Three friends are very happy. They go to the elephant’s home. Then, three of them become good friends。

　　一天，一只猴子在河边骑车。这时他看见树下有一只狮子，狮子向他跑来。他非常的害怕，掉进河里。他不会游泳，大叫起来。兔子听见了，跳进水里，但他却没有办法救猴子。幸运的是，一只大象过来了。大象非常强壮，救出了兔子和猴子。他们来到大象的家，在那里吃了一顿大餐。从此他们成了好朋友。

　　A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: “God, what is a million dollars to you” and God says: “A penny”, then the man says: “God, what is a million years to you” and God says: “a second”, then the man says: “God, can I have a penny” and God says “In a second”

　　一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:”主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少”上帝回答:”一便士.”男子又问:”那一百万年呢”上帝说:”一秒钟.”最后男子请求道:”上帝,我能得到一便士吗”上帝回答:”过一秒钟.”

　　Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:”First, you should make sure that he is already dead.” Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:”What should I do next”

　　两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”

　　Cat and Mice

　　Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top.

　　” Whats in your box” asked the friend.

　　”A cat,” answered Mrs Brown. “You see Ive been dreaming about mice at night and Im so scared! This cat is to catch them.”

　　”But the mice are only imaginary,” said the friend.

　　”So is the cat,” whispered Mrs Brown.

　　布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友，她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。“盒子里装的是什么？”朋友问道。“一只小猫，”布朗夫人回答说，“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠，我非常害怕。这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友说。“小猫也是假想的。”布朗夫人小声说道。

　　I think that Im a chicken

　　Psychiatrist: Whats your problem

　　Patient: I think Im a chicken.

　　Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on

　　Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

　　精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？

　　病人：我认为我是一只鸡。

　　精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？

　　病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。

　　我要表现得象位女士

　　I Am Acting Like a Lady

　　One day when womens dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.

　　He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.

　　”You there!” challenged a thrill voice. “Cant you act like a gentleman”

　　”Listen,” he said, “I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady.”

　　我要表现得象位女士

　　一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。

　　他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。

　　“你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗？”

　　“听着，”他说，“我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象个女士。”

　　The Broom Seller and the Barber

　　A man who sold brooms went into a barbers shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it.

　　”Two pence,” said the man.

　　”No, no, ” said the barber, “I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again.”

　　The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave.

　　”A penny.” said the barber.

　　”I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again.”

　　卖扫帚的人和理发师

　　一个卖扫帚的人去一家理发店修面.理发师向他买了一把扫帚.当理发师给他修完面后,问了一下扫帚的价钱.

　　卖扫帚的人说:”两便士”

　　”不,不”理发师说,”我只出一便士.如果你认为不够的话,可以把扫帚拿回去.”

　　卖扫帚的人取回了扫帚,随后问修面要付多少钱.

　　卖扫帚的人说:”我只能给你半个便士,如果你认为不够的话,你可以把胡子再替我装上.”

　　Want a Day Off 想请一天假

　　Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, ” Were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “Were short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. ” I cant give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”

　　一天，史密斯去见他的客户部领导，“老板”，斯密斯说，“我们家明天要大搞清洁，我老婆需要我回去帮忙清洁阁楼和车库，搬搬挪挪什么的。”“斯密斯啊，你也知道，我们现在人手已经不够了”老板说，“明天的假我是没法给你批了”。“多谢老板，” Smith说，“我就知道跟着您干准没错”。

　　I Lost 我输了

　　It was at a five o’clock tea． A young man came to the hostess to apologize for his lateness．

　　“So good of you to come， Mr．Jones，and where is your brother？”

　　“You see were very busy in the office and only one of us could come，so we tossed up for it．”

　　“How nice！And so original， too！ And you won？”

　　“No，” said the young man absently，“I lost．”

　　五点钟，下午茶的时间，一个年轻人因为迟到向女主人致歉。

　　“您能来可真好，琼斯先生，您的兄弟在哪儿呢？”

　　“您知道我们在办公室里有非常忙，我们俩只能来一个，所以就掷币来决定由谁来。”

　　“太有意思了！还那么有独创性！那您赢了？”

　　“不，”年轻人心不在焉地说，“我输了。”

　　我很辛苦才找来的！

　　1 A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: “God, what is a million dollars to you” and God says: “A penny”, then the man says: “God, what is a million years to you” and God says: “a second”, then the man says: “God, can I have a penny” and God says “In a second”

　　一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:”主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少”上帝回答:”一便士.”男子又问:”那一百万年呢”上帝说:”一秒钟.”最后男子请求道:”上帝,我能得到一便士吗”上帝回答:”过一秒钟.”

　　2 Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:”First, you should make sure that he is already dead.” Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:”What should I do next”

　　两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”

　　3 I think that Im a chicken

　　Psychiatrist: Whats your problem

　　Patient: I think Im a chicken.

　　Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on

　　Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

　　精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？

　　病人：我认为我是一只鸡。

　　精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？

　　病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。

　　我要表现得象位女士

　　4 I Am Acting Like a Lady

　　One day when womens dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.

　　He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.

　　”You there!” challenged a thrill voice. “Cant you act like a gentleman”

　　”Listen,” he said, “I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady.”

　　我要表现得象位女士

　　一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。

　　他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。

　　“你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗？”

　　“听着，”他说，“我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象个女士。”

　　5 Want a Day Off 想请一天假

　　Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, ” Were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “Were short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. ” I cant give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”

　　一天，史密斯去见他的客户部领导，“老板”，斯密斯说，“我们家明天要大搞清洁，我老婆需要我回去帮忙清洁阁楼和车库，搬搬挪挪什么的。”“斯密斯啊，你也知道，我们现在人手已经不够了”老板说，“明天的假我是没法给你批了”。“多谢老板，” Smith说，“我就知道跟着您干准没错”。

　　6 I Lost 我输了

　　It was at a five o’clock tea． A young man came to the hostess to apologize for his lateness．

　　“So good of you to come， Mr．Jones，and where is your brother？”

　　“You see were very busy in the office and only one of us could come，so we tossed up for it．”

　　“How nice！And so original， too！ And you won？”

　　“No，” said the young man absently，“I lost．”

　　五点钟，下午茶的时间，一个年轻人因为迟到向女主人致歉。

　　“您能来可真好，琼斯先生，您的兄弟在哪儿呢？”

　　“您知道我们在办公室里有非常忙，我们俩只能来一个，所以就掷币来决定由谁来。”

　　“太有意思了！还那么有独创性！那您赢了？”

　　“不，”年轻人心不在焉地说，“我输了。”

　　7 Imitate Birds

　　A man tried to get a job in a stage show. “What can you do” asked the producer.

　　”Imitate birds,” the man said.

　　”Are you kidding” answered the producer, “People like that are a dime a dozen.”

　　”Well, I guess thats that.” said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.

　　模仿鸟儿

　　一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作。“你能干什么呢？”负责人问。

　　“模仿鸟儿，”那人说。

　　“你在开玩笑吧？”负责人答道，“那样的人一毛钱可以找一打。”

　　“噢，那就算了。”那名演员说着，展开翅膀，飞出了窗口。

　　8 How Did You Ever Get Here

　　One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. “It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.”

　　The boss eyed him suspiciously. “Oh, yeah Then how did you ever get here”

　　”I finally gave up,” he said, “and started for home.”

　　你是怎样来的？

　　一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”

　　老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？”

　　“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”

　　拓展材料

　　英语（English）是印欧语系-日耳曼语族下的语言，由26个字母组合而成，英文字母渊源于拉丁字母，拉丁字母渊源于希腊字母，而希腊字母则是由腓尼基字母演变而来的。英语是国际指定的官方语言（作为母语），也是世界上最广泛的第一语言，英语包含约49万词，外加技术名词约30万个，是词汇最多的语言，也是欧盟以及许多国际组织以及英联邦国家的官方语言，拥有世界第三位的母语使用者人数，仅次于汉语和西班牙语母语使用者人数。

　　英语由古代从丹麦等斯堪的纳维亚半岛以及德国、荷兰及周边移民至不列颠群岛的盎格鲁、撒克逊以及朱特部落的白人所说的语言演变而来，并通过英国的殖民活动传播到了世界各地。由于在历史上曾和多种民族语言接触，它的词汇从一元变为多元，语法从“多屈折”变为“少屈折”，语音也发生了规律性的变化。在19至20世纪，英国以及美国在文化、经济、军事、政治和科学在世界上的领先地位使得英语成为一种国际语言。如今，许多国际场合都使用英语做为沟通媒介。

　　英语也是与电脑联系最密切的语言，大多数编程语言都与英语有联系，而且随着网络的使用，英文的使用更普及。英语是联合国的工作语言之一。 苏格兰语、低地撒克逊语、丹麦语、德语、荷兰语、南非荷兰语和英语也很接近。拥有法国血统的诺曼人于11世纪征服英格兰王国，带来数万法语词汇和拉丁语词汇，很大程度地丰富了英语词汇外，相对也驱使不少原生的语汇作废。

　　A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: “God, what is a million dollars to you” and God says: “A penny”, then the man says: “God, what is a million years to you” and God says: “a second”, then the man says: “God, can I have a penny” and God says “In a second”

　　一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:”主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少”上帝回答:”一便士.”男子又问:”那一百万年呢”上帝说:”一秒钟.”最后男子请求道:”上帝,我能得到一便士吗”上帝回答:”过一秒钟.”

　　Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:”First, you should make sure that he is already dead.” Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:”What should I do next”

　　两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”

　　Cat and Mice

　　Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top.

　　” Whats in your box” asked the friend.

　　”A cat,” answered Mrs Brown. “You see Ive been dreaming about mice at night and Im so scared! This cat is to catch them.”

　　”But the mice are only imaginary,” said the friend.

　　”So is the cat,” whispered Mrs Brown.

　　布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友，她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。“盒子里装的是什么？”朋友问道。“一只小猫，”布朗夫人回答说，“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠，我非常害怕。这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友说。“小猫也是假想的。”布朗夫人小声说道。

　　I think that Im a chicken

　　Psychiatrist: Whats your problem

　　Patient: I think Im a chicken.

　　Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on

　　Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

　　精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？

　　病人：我认为我是一只鸡。

　　精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？

　　病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。

　　我要表现得象位女士

　　I Am Acting Like a Lady

　　One day when womens dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.

　　He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.

　　”You there!” challenged a thrill voice. “Cant you act like a gentleman”

　　”Listen,” he said, “I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady.”

　　我要表现得象位女士

　　一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。

　　他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。

　　“你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗？”

　　“听着，”他说，“我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象个女士。”

　　The Broom Seller and the Barber

　　A man who sold brooms went into a barbers shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it.

　　”Two pence,” said the man.

　　”No, no, ” said the barber, “I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again.”

　　The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave.

　　”A penny.” said the barber.

　　”I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again.”

　　卖扫帚的人和理发师

　　一个卖扫帚的人去一家理发店修面.理发师向他买了一把扫帚.当理发师给他修完面后,问了一下扫帚的价钱.

　　卖扫帚的人说:”两便士”

　　”不,不”理发师说,”我只出一便士.如果你认为不够的话,可以把扫帚拿回去.”

　　卖扫帚的人取回了扫帚,随后问修面要付多少钱.

　　卖扫帚的人说:”我只能给你半个便士,如果你认为不够的话,你可以把胡子再替我装上.”

　　Want a Day Off 想请一天假

　　Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, ” Were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “Were short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. ” I cant give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”

　　一天，史密斯去见他的客户部领导，“老板”，斯密斯说，“我们家明天要大搞清洁，我老婆需要我回去帮忙清洁阁楼和车库，搬搬挪挪什么的。”“斯密斯啊，你也知道，我们现在人手已经不够了”老板说，“明天的假我是没法给你批了”。“多谢老板，” Smith说，“我就知道跟着您干准没错”。

　　I Lost 我输了

　　It was at a five o’clock tea． A young man came to the hostess to apologize for his lateness．

　　“So good of you to come， Mr．Jones，and where is your brother？”

　　“You see were very busy in the office and only one of us could come，so we tossed up for it．”

　　“How nice！And so original， too！ And you won？”

　　“No，” said the young man absently，“I lost．”

　　五点钟，下午茶的时间，一个年轻人因为迟到向女主人致歉。

　　“您能来可真好，琼斯先生，您的兄弟在哪儿呢？”

　　“您知道我们在办公室里有非常忙，我们俩只能来一个，所以就掷币来决定由谁来。”

　　“太有意思了！还那么有独创性！那您赢了？”

　　“不，”年轻人心不在焉地说，“我输了。”