雅思作文批改

?雅思作文批改：
　　As the cyber techniques continue to develop and the user number of computers, mobile phones and other communicating devices continue to grow, some people believe our traditional skills of letter writing will disappear fully. In my view, I cannot agree with this view for the following reasons.

　　At the begining, the skill of writing cannot be replaced by the usage of any electronic devices. The skill of writing is the ability of expressing ideas in written languages. And what the application of computers and cellphones has changed is only the format but not the content of the written documents. However, the content relates highly to the educational levels and the living and working experiences of individuals Thus, if a person is well educated, no matter how often he or she uses the computers, his ability in writing letter can be maintained fully.

　　Besides, even the advanced communication techniques has been highly prevalent in contemperary society, chances are still available for individuals to write traditionally. And the examples of them are varied. Couples sometimes manually write love letters to each other with the purpose of showing strong emotions; students in all educational levels are still using the pens to answer most of the exam questions including the writing questions and in some perticular situations, people tend to write something traditionally such as leaving messages to family members or friends.

　　In conclusion, while the advanced communication techniques and the associated devices are spreading into nearly every aspects of peoples lives, this does not mean that our traditional skills of writting will head to disappear. That is because what the application of these communication devices have changed is the format but not the real content of writing and there are sitll plenty of opportunities for individuals to write by using their pens.

　　我觉得你写的好像有点离题啊，题目问的是传统的书信技能是不是因为使用电脑和手机而完全丧失，你在第2段写的是电脑的好处，而不是你是否同意这个观点。我从写了一遍，供你参考。

　　题目：some people believe that educating children altogether will benefit them. others think intelligent children should be taught separately and given special courses. discuss those two views.

　　in recent years, more attention than ever has been paid on education.therefore there are a lot of discussion about whether children should study all together or they should be taught by types. in my opion, educating children together may be a better way.

　　initially,seperating students by iq may lead to a lack of the spirit of teamwork.there is no denying that separating children by iq lever and providing special courses to them can lead to high quality of studying and teaching.and if people were divided to groups, and grew up in certain situation, they would have troubles in get along with the others. after all people with high intelligence can do nothing without the ability of cooperating.

　　another reason why i believe that separating teaching do harm to students is that students who are divided into the poor performance group will lose self-esteem. in most cases this emotion will cause students’ negative attitude about study and school. phenomenon like absence cheat and things like that will turn up. and then the gap between low and high achievers will be increasing.

　　the third point should be mentioned is that it is not fair to students who have potentiality but they do not act well at the beginning. separate teaching might lead this kind of students to miss opportunities to be successful. for instance, einstein could not speak clearly even when he was 9,but finally he became a great physical scientist.

　　to conclude, although separating teaching do have some benefits to children, the disadvantages are great and will impact them in both study and social community. by contrast, educating children all together will be a healthier way.

　　楼主不要受打击,您这篇文实在得不了6.5,顶多6分.但人都是在向前进的,在努力一下吧!

　　我在原文上给你改了.

　　问题：1 没有明确地说出观点

　　2 逻辑不清，没有1 直接2、3，缺少逻辑关联词

　　3 分段太多，雅思作文一般分4段，开头、论述2段（支持己方、反对对方）、结尾，段太多不好

　　4 用词平凡，语法简单，尽量用几个华丽的词，用一些复杂的语法，写一两句2行的句子

　　5 你的字数够么？

　　我可以肯定的告诉你，4分都不到。

　　首先，雅思是进入国外大学的门槛，是要检验你是否达到基本的grade12的english，所以要有清晰的思路和几乎零的语法错误。

　　你有以下几个错误：

　　1.文章结构不对。一般来说分为5段，开头+3段论点段+结尾

　　2.没有提出实际的论点，只有一些假设（if开头），老外是不喜欢看的，而且不会理解中文的思想。

　　3。要多用精简的句子。举例也不要太长，两句话足以。一般来说每段5-7句话最多了。

　　4.你的提纲有问题。我写一个给你作参考：

　　开头：

　　Modern technology has changed our daily life.（很抽象的总起句） People drive vehicles to work, use computers to type reports, and watch TV programs to entertain.（补充例子） Technology makes people live more easily because technology saves peoples time on work, improves peoples relationship, and provides people more job opportunities.(这句为整个文章的3个论点，要用排比。)Thus, modern technology makes peoples life better.（总结句）

　　第一个body paragraph：（对应第一个论点）

　　Technology shortens peoples time on work because new technology integrates lots of tasks that are helpful to do work. （第一句话提出总段的论点，但要用不同的词句去表达，用because 连接。）For example, when people do paper work, Internet is an effective tool that helps people find files. （第二句话给例子。）In the past, people wasted too much time on looking for an article in books; However, people now can easily search and read a lot of articles by just typing key words on the Internet. (解释例子) The increased rate of doing work can even provide employees a chance of promotion. (再扩展例子) Thus, technology helps people do their work fast.(总结句总结论点)

　　第二个body paragraph：（对应第二个论点，总体结构和上一段一样）

　　Technology helps people to build relationship with others because modern technology is popular in all over the world. Cell phone is a recent technical product, and functions in offering long-distance conversation. One advantage of cell phone is its size, which is so small and easy to carry anywhere. If people have cell phones, they can receive their families’ or friends’ calls anywhere. So, they will get closer to their friends or families. Therefore, technology improves people’s relationship.

　　第三个body paragraph：（对应第三个论点，总体结构和上一段一样）

　　Technology provides people more job opportunities because a lot of new jobs require the technologies that did not exist before. For instance, a lot of teens choose network maintenance staff, which is a novel job position, as their career. Because more and more people use Internet, problems relating to the network come after. Network maintenance staff is the job position to satisfy Internet users’ needs. Thus, technology gives people more new job positions to choose.

　　结尾：(结尾要和开头相对应，要总结论点。就像是把开头“倒过来”写。)

　　To sum up, modern technology improves peoples life. (总结句) Technology saves peoples time on work, improves peoples relationship, and provides people more job opportunities. （3个论点）Modern technology has become the part of our life. We not only use modern technology, also enjoy it. (扩展主题)

　　希望以上的东西对你有帮助

　　还好的呀!应该有90分左右

　　人的一生中有许许多多的“第一次”，我也不例外。给我印象最深刻的是第一次煮饭这件事。

　　一天，我放学回到家。心想：我要为妈妈分担一点儿家务活。说干就干，可干什么好呢？煮饭既简单又容易，那就煮饭吧！于是，我舀了两杯米放进饭锅里，再放水进去，就开始洗米了：我把手伸进锅里，抓来抓去，见清水变浑浊了，我就把脏水倒去……这样反复了几次。将米洗干净后，再放入比米高一点儿的水，然后盖上锅盖，放在电炉上煮了起来。但毕竟是第一次煮饭，我心里忐忑不安的，生怕把饭煮糊了。于是，我来来回回地看了好几次，但还是不放心，人索性搬来一张凳子，坐在那儿等，等到冒气后，我就不知所措了，不知是马上关火，还是再等一会儿，也不知该等多久。忽然，我想起了妈妈说过冒气后，再煮四分钟左右就可以了。于是，我又耐心地等了四分钟后就关火了。我不知道这饭是煮糊了还是没煮熟？

　　中午，妈妈下班回来后，她闻到饭的香味，以为是爸爸回来了，可她往四周一瞧，没见爸爸，妈妈顿时明白了，她把我搂在怀里，说“儿子，你今天能为妈妈煮饭了，妈妈好开心哦！

　　“开饭啦！”妈妈在开锅舀饭时迫不及待地尝了一口，对我说：“你煮的饭真香，水放得刚好合适，火候也恰到好处，比你爸爸煮得都还好！真棒！”我听了乐哈哈地笑着说：“怎么样？你儿子不赖吧！”

　　通过这件事，我从中明白了：“第一次”并不难，关键是要细心和反复思索，这样才能成功！

　　4.5分可能会更低。。。偶实话实说，LZ别生气。

　　1.那个雅思第二篇文章属于议论文，LZ的文章结构就存在很大的问题。

　　2.没有提出论点，只有一些论据，会给了流水账的感觉。

　　3。句子太单调，都是主谓，或者是主系结构，if的状语从句。

　　4.句子间的连接词

　　建议LZ去买一本《十天突破雅思写作》或者是上培训班，雅思作文不像我们高中的作文。

　　先不说英语程度，就LZ的中文思维就有问题。

　　最后，还有弱弱的问下，那个作文题目有木有错了。怎么看，怎么觉得奇怪呢！？

　　有点wordy,特别第三段从那个LETS开始，比较口语化，有点中文讲故事的味道，不太适合雅思。