Bargain——讨价还价_讨价还价,Bargain,_英语幽默笑话_作文地带

?Bargain——讨价还价_讨价还价,Bargain,_英语幽默笑话_作文地带：
　　My son, a used-car dealer, showed his customer a 2005 Chevy in great condition. “And it’s only $7, 000,” he told the man. “I’m willing to give you $3, 500,” said the customer. My son feigned disappointment. “If at all possible,” he responded, “I’d like to sell you the whole car.”

　　我儿子是个二手汽车商。一次，他给一位顾客展示一辆车况还很不错的2005年雪弗莱。 “这辆车只要7000美元”，他跟顾客说。“我只想给3500美元”，顾客说。我儿子装着很失望地回答说。“如果真的有可能，我原意整辆卖给你”。

　　joozone.com

　　As an instructional assistant for a public school, part of my job involves teaching small groups of children. One day I was in charge of some second-graders, who were concentrating on their artwork. As I reached across to help a student, he remarked that something smelled good. I was pleased that he noticed my perfume, until he held a wide felt-tip pen up to his nose and said, “Yep. New markers.”

　　我在一家公立学校当指导员助理， 我工作职责的一部分是给一些小孩子上课。 一天，我负责协助一些二年级生上艺术课，学生们此时正埋头做手工。当我俯身帮助一名学生时，那学生说有什么东西闻起来很香。我非常高兴，以为他闻到了我身上的香水，直到他拿起一支大号的毡毛笔放到自己的鼻子前说道，“新的麦克笔，真香。”

　　joozone.com

　　I was visiting my parents with my new husband, a Navy frogman, when he drew me aside. “I don’t think your mother likes me,” he said. “I was explaining that I can’t wear my wedding ring when I dive, because barracudas are attracted to shiny things and might bite off my finger. And she said, ‘Well, can’t you wear it on a chain around your neck?’ “

　　我与当海军蛙人的新婚丈夫回家看望父母的时候，丈夫把我拉到一边，“我觉得你妈妈不太喜欢我”，他说，“我跟她解释我说, 我潜水时不能戴结婚戒指，因为闪光的东西会吸引梭鱼的注意力，我的手指有可能会被它们咬指，而你的妈妈说，‘呃，你就不能在脖子上围个链子，然后把戒指挂在上面？’”

　　joozone.com

　　Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train’s engine fell silent.”I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.” My fellow passengers groaned.” The good news,” he added, “is we weren’t cruising at 30,000 feet.”

　　在纽约至华盛顿的半路上，火车的引擎突然没声儿了。“我有好消息和坏消息宣布”列车长通过广播说。“坏消息是我们失去动力了” 同车的乘客们不禁抱怨了起来。 “至于好消息”，他补充说，“是我们没有在3万英尺上巡航”。

　　joozone.com

　　Part of my work as a college professor involved doing research at a history archive in Russia. An armed military guard was stationed there to defend against terrorist attack, though he often lounged near the doorway and ignored incoming researchers. One day, however, he stood at attention, machine gun ready. “Documents,” he called out, and I fumbled through my things for my archival pass. “Passport,” he barked, and I handed him my American passport. He scowled while looking at my identification. Finally he asked, “Who is singing on the radio?” I listened for a moment and replied, “The Everly Brothers.” The soldier grinned, moved his rifle aside and let me enter, sure now that I was truly an American scholar.

　　作为一名大学教授，我的工作职责的一部分包括在俄罗斯的一家历史档案馆做研究。 在那，有一名荷枪实弹的军队卫兵驻扎，防止恐怖袭击。不过，他经常在靠近门口过道的地方随便溜达，对进来的研究员视而不见。 但是，有一天,（当我进门的时候），那卫兵来了个标准的立正，手里如临大敌般拿起枪把我拦住。“请出示证明文书”，他喊道。我连忙手忙脚乱地在我的东西里找我的档案馆通行证。 “护照”，卫兵厉声喝道。我把美国护照递给了他。卫兵眉头紧锁地看着我的身份证件。 最后，他问，“收音机里谁在唱歌？” 我听了一会然后回答，“艾佛利兄弟”。 卫兵裂觜笑了，把拦在我面前的步枪拿开，让我进入。毫无疑问，他可以确认我真的是一名美国学者了。

　　joozone.com

　　Who is Stupid?

　　A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

　　She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”

　　Little Johnny then stood up.

　　The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?”

　　”No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

　　一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁认为自己蠢就站起来？”她一开始就说。

　　小约翰尼站了起来。

　　“你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼？”老师问。

　　“不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”

　　joozone.com

　　With several years of Army National Guard duty under his belt, my roommate applied for officer training. But his lifelong dreams were dashed after he failed the eye exam. “That’s too bad,” I sympathized. “Does that mean you now have to quit the Guard entirely?” “No, I get to keep my old job,” he said. “Driving trucks.”

　　依仗着在陆军国家护卫队服役的几年经验，我的室友提交了参加军官培训的申请。但他的毕生梦想在体检未通过后破灭。“太糟了”，我同情地说。“这是不是意味着你完全不能再在护卫队工作了？”“这倒不是，我还是干我的原来的工作”，他说。“开卡车”。

　　joozone.com

　　On the Job as a dental receptionist, I answered the phone and noticed on the caller-ID screen that the incoming call was from an auto-repair shop. The man on the line begged to see the dentist because of a painful tooth. “Which side of your mouth hurts?” I asked the patient. He sighed and answered, “The passenger side.”

　　我是一名牙医诊所接线生，（一天上班时）我看到来电显示屏上显示的是一个汽车修理店的来电。电话中，那名男士恳求要看牙医，因为他有一颗牙痛得要命。 “是在嘴的哪一边痛？” 我问病人。 他喘着粗气回答说，“在副驾驶那边”。

　　joozone.com

　　There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot. There were three parrots in the shop. One was $5,000; another one, $10,000; and the third one, $30,000. The customer asked the owner,

　　“How come this guy is $5,000? That’s so expensive for this kind of parrot.” The owner said, “Because I have trained him and he can talk.” So the customer asked him, “How about this guy?

　　What can he do that makes him so expensive?” The owner said, “Well, apart from talking, he can also do some amusing actions,like dancing and so on. That’s why he’s so expensive.”

　　Then the customer said, “How about the third one? What can he do that makes him so expensive?” The owner of the shop said, “I don’t know. Normally, I have never heard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all!

　　But the other two call him ‘The Boss.’”

　　有个人到一间商店买鹦鹉。店里有三只鹦鹉，其中一只卖五千元，另一只卖一万元，还有一只卖三万元。顾客问老板：「为什么这只要卖五千元？这个价钱对这种鹦鹉来说太贵了！」老板说：

　　「因为我有训练他讲话。」顾客又问：「那这只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？」

　　老板说：「他除了会说话之外，还会表演一些有趣的动作，好比说跳舞等等，所以才卖这么贵。」

　　顾客接着又问：「那第三只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？」

　　老板说：「我不知道。我从没听过他讲话、吹口哨或唱歌，也没看过他跳舞，什么都没有！不过另外两只叫他：『老板！』」

　　joozone.com

　　Years ago, people rented phones from the local telephone company and had the option of paying a one-time fee to have a color model. One customer, who had had his phone for some time, forgot how this worked. When I was disconnecting his service, he objected to my leaving with his phone. “That’s mine,” he said angrily. “I paid for it.” “No, sir, you paid for the color, not the phone,” I explained. “Okay, take the phone,” he said calmly, “but leave the color.”

　　几年前，人们从当地的电话公司租用电话时只要选择额外一次性地付一点钱就能拿到一个彩色的电话机。 有一名顾客在电话用了一些日子后忘记了这个规则。 当我去中断他的电话服务时，他不让我把电话机带走。“那是我的电话机”，他生气地说，“我付了钱的。”“不对 ，先生，你付的是颜色的钱，不是电话的钱，”我给他解释。 “那好，把电话拿走吧，”他平静地说，“但颜色得留下”。

　　joozone.com

　　Four students walked in halfway through the American history test my father was giving at the local community college. “Sorry,” they said, “we had a flat tire.” An understanding man, Dad said that if they could all answer just one question correctly, he would give them each an A for the exam. The students agreed. So my father handed each one a piece of paper, placed them in four separate corners and said, “Write down which tire was flat.”

　　我父亲在当地的社区大学教美国历史，（一次，）当测验进行到一半时，有四名学生才走进教室。“对不起，”他们说，“我们车子的一个轮胎爆了”。我父亲是一个通情达理的人，他说如果他们几个能正确地回答一个问题，他们的这次测验就能得到一个A。 那几个学生同意了。 我父亲递给他们每人一张纸，把他们安排在教室的四个角落，然后说，“写出是哪个轮胎爆了。”

　　joozone.com

　　”Do you know what I just heard?” said my husband, Raymond, looking up from the TV. “Researchers in Brazil have discovered a new use for coffee. They’ve figured out a way to use the beans to make biofuel.” He paused. “I guess that means someday we’ll pull up to the gas pump and have to choose between regular and decaf.”

　　“知道我刚才听到什么了吗？”，我正在看电视的丈夫 Remnond 转过头来对我说，“巴西的研究人员发现了咖啡的一种新用途。 他们已经想出办法去使用咖啡豆去制造生物燃料了”。 他停顿了一下，接着说，“我想这意味着将来有一天我拿起加油泵时，我得选择是要普通咖啡还是要不含咖啡因的了”。

　　joozone.com

　　Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery. “I’d like to order a large pepperoni, please,” I said, then gave him the address of our condominium. “We’ll be there in about half an hour,” the kid at the other end replied. “Your gate code is still 1238, right?”

　　我们搬到一个有门禁系统的社区的部分原因是因为我们认为那里安全而且安静。 但当一天晚上我打电话到本地一家Pizza店叫外卖时，这两点都飞到九宵云外了。“请给我我送一份意大利香肠pizza”，我说，然后把我们公寓的地址告诉了他。“我们大约半小时就到”，电话另一边那个送外卖的小孩回答，“你们大门的密码还是1238吧？”

　　joozone.com

　　In the traffic ourt of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light.

　　She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes.

　　A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye. “You are a school teacher, eh?” said he. “Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write ‘I went through a red light’ five hundred times.”

　　在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭里，一位年轻女士被带到法官面前，她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单。

　　女士向法官解释，她是一名学校老师，请求法官马上处理她的案子，以便可以赶回去上课。

　　法官眼中闪过一丝狡黠，说道：“你是学校的老师，对吗？女士，我马上要实现我毕生的愿望了。在那张桌子旁坐下，写‘我开车闯了红灯’500遍。”

　　joozone.com

　　There was a historical marker near our West Virginia home commemorating the Civil War Battle of Blue’s Gap. One day when an oncoming bus was taking too wide a turn, my wife swerved our van out of the way, accidentally clipped the sign and broke it. Wanting to do the right thing, I called the state police to report the damage. Apparently the war is still not over, because the trooper I spoke to asked, “Who won that battle?” “The Union,” I replied. “Well, don’t worry about it,” he said, and hung up.

　　我在西弗吉尼亚的家的附近有一个历史纪念牌，那是用来纪念美国内战时的布鲁斯峡谷战役。 一天，我妻子开车时，一辆迎面驶来的的公车拐弯拐得特别大，我妻子急忙之中将车开到了路的外边，不小心蹭到了那个纪念牌，牌子碎了。 出于一种责任感，我给州警察局打了电话，报告了损坏情况。 很明显，战争还没有结束，因为与我通话的警官在电话中问我，“谁赢得了战斗？”“盟军”，我回答说。 “呃，那就没事了”，他说，同时挂掉了电话。

　　joozone.com

　　A man and his wife were on a holiday.Theywent for a sail. Unfortunately the wife fell overboard and was drowned. The man asked the pier-master to let him know if her body was found. Two weeks later he received a wire saying: “Body recovered yesterday covered with crabs. Send instructions.” The man sent a wire back saying, “Sell crabs, send the money; reset bait.”

　　一个男人和妻子去度假。他们乘风出海，不幸的是妻子掉入海中淹死了。这个男人叫码头的负责人在妻子的尸体找到后通知他一声。二个星期后，他接到了一份电报：“尸体已于昨日找到，上边爬满了螃蟹。请指示。”男人回电报说：“卖掉螃蟹，收入汇过来；诱饵扔回海里。”

　　joozone.com

　　Snow was falling heavily the day I decided to visit a car dealership. I was confident I’d get a great deal, figuring the salesmen would be desperate for customers on such a lousy day. Sure enough, when I entered the showroom, I was the only client. But my hope of getting a good deal quickly faded with the salesman’s first words. “Boy,” he said, “you must want a new car real bad to come out on a day like this.”

　　我决定去一家车行看车的那天雪下得非常大。 我琢磨，这样的鬼天气，车行的人肯定是盼星星盼月亮地昐顾客上门，这时候去买车价钱肯定划算。 一点没错， 当我进入展厅的时候，我就是那唯一的顾客。 但当销售人员一开口，我那如意算盘马上就打不响了。 “小兄弟”，他兴高采烈地说，“这样的天你也出来（看车），看来你是真着急要买辆新车了”。

　　joozone.com

　　A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. “This is an outrage,” he complained. “The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.”

　　”But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal.”

　　”Wait a minute,” roared the patron. “The other tap is also marked C.”

　　”Of course,” said the manager, “It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city.”

　　热与冷

　　蒙特利尔咖啡馆的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的水龙头，结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”

　　“可是，先生，C代表Chaude，在法语里代表’热’。如果您住在蒙特利尔的话就应该知道这一点。”

　　“等等，”那位顾客咆哮着，“另外一个龙头标的也是C。”

　　“那当然，”经理说道：“这个C代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”

　　joozone.com

　　By the time Bill arrived in a little town, every hotel room had been taken. “You’ve got to give me a room somewhere,” he said to the manager at the hotel, “or just a bed —

　　I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one guest,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in the next room have complained lately.

　　I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.” “No problem.” Bill assured him, “I’ll take it.”

　　The next morning Bill came down to breakfast bright-eyed. “How did you sleep?” asked the manager.

　　”Never better” The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

　　”No, I shut him up in no time,” said Bill.

　　”How did you manage that?” asked the manager.

　　”Did you give him some medicine to stop the snoring?”

　　”No, I didn’t. But here is what I did. He was already in bed when I went into the room,” Bill explained. “I went over,gave him a kiss on the forehead, and said, ‘Goodnight,beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

　　比尔到了一个小城市的时候，的宾馆房间都满了。

　　“您得给我一个房间，什么地方都行。”他对宾馆经理说。

　　“或者只有一张床也行，我不在乎在哪儿。”

　　“好吧。我的确有一个双人间，里面只有一位客人。”

　　经理承认。“而且他可能很乐意和别人分摊费用。但是实话告诉你，他打呼噜太响最近连隔壁房间的人都抱怨。我不能确定这个你是否愿意去。”

　　“没问题。”比尔对他保证“我就要它了。”

　　第二天早晨，比尔下来吃早饭，眼睛亮晶晶的。“你睡得怎么样？”经理问。

　　“棒极了。”

　　经理来了兴趣：“那么，和那个打呼噜的家伙睡觉没问题？”

　　“没问题，我很快就让他不出声了。”比尔说。

　　“你是怎么解决的呢？”经理问：“你给他吃了什么不打呼噜的药了吗？”

　　“没有，我没给他吃药。我是这么做的：我进到房间时他已经上床了。”

　　比尔解释说：“我走到他跟前，给了他一个吻，然后说‘晚安，美人。’他就坐起来整个一晚上都在看着我。”

　　joozone.com

　　When my husband was taking a college English class, his teacher announced, “For your assignment, I want you to describe yourselves in ten words or less.” My husband wrote, “Succinct.”

　　我丈夫在修一门大学英语课程，他的老师在课上宣布，“下面是你们的作业，我要求你们用10个或更少的字来描述自己”，我丈夫写道，“简洁”

　　joozone.com

　　One day, Tim’s mathematic teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right, The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised, He called Tim to his desk and said to him, “You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?”

　　Usually Tim’s father did help him with his homework, but the evening before this, he had not been able to, because he had not been at home, so Tim answered, “No, sir. He was busy last night, so I had to do it all myself.”

　　一天，蒂姆的数学老师看了他的作业， 发现他全做对了。老师很高兴，同时也十分惊讶。他把蒂姆叫到桌前说：“蒂姆，你这次的作业全都做对了，怎么回事？你爸爸帮你做了吗？”

　　蒂姆的爸爸通常确实帮他做作业，但是头天晚上，因为他不在家就没能帮蒂姆，所以蒂姆回答说：“不，先生，我爸爸昨天晚上很忙，我不得不由我自己做了。”

　　joozone.com

　　As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light, I asked the driver, “Do you agree that ‘Time is money’?”

　　”Well, it’s a very common saying. Who will care so much about that?” the driver answered.

　　”Look, the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped, “I pointed at the meter.

　　”Oh, yes. You’ve got a point here. In this case, time is money for both of us.” added the driver.

　　当出租车在遇到红灯急刹车时，我问司机：“你同意‘时间就是金钱’这种说法吗？”

　　“哦，这是一个普遍说法。在这个问题上，谁会在意那么多呢？”司机回答说。

　　“看，在车已经停止的情况下，里程表上的数字还在跑。”我指着里程表说。

　　“哦，是的。你说的挺有道理的。在这种情况下，时间对我们俩来说都是金钱。”司机补充说。

　　joozone.com

　　When I was a high school senior, I saw an inspirational ad on TV about becoming a teacher. I called the number shown: 800-45TEACH. After a woman answered, I babbled on about how I thought I had found my life’s calling and could she send me information. She asked what number I was calling. After I told her, there was a long pause. Then she said, “You misspelled teach.”

　　当我读高三（12年级）的时候，我看到一则关于成为教师的电视广告，大受启发。 我按电视显示的电话，80045teach 打了过去。当一个女人接电话时，我喋喋不休地给她讲了我如何感觉自己找到了人生的目标，问她是否可以给我寄相关的资料等等。 她问我打的是什么电话。在我告诉他之后，那边是一阵长久的沉默。然后，她说，“你把 teach 拼错了”。

　　joozone.com

　　One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late.

　　”It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.”

　　The boss eyed him suspiciously. “Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?”

　　”I finally gave up,” he said, “and started for home.”

　　一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”

　　老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？”

　　“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”

　　joozone.com

　　”You will be pleased with me today, mother,” said Dick to his mother, coming home from school. “I saved on fares. I didn’t go to school by bus, I ran all the way after it.”

　　”Well,” said his mother laughing, “Next time you should run after a taxi, you will save much more.”

　　“妈妈，你今天一定会对我满意的，”迪克放学回家后对妈妈说，“我省下了车钱。我上学时没乘公共汽车，而是跟着公共汽车一路跑到学校的。”

　　“哦，”他妈妈笑着说，“下次你跟在出租汽车后面跑，那会省得更多。”

　　joozone.com

　　Working as a server at a sushi bar, I saw a customer trying to get my attention. “What’s up, babe?” he asked in a strong foreign accent. “Everything is fine, sir,” I replied. After a while the patron hailed me again, asking “What’s up, babe?” Puzzled and annoyed, I gave the same reply. Observing this was my supervisor, who called me over. “What did that customer ask?” he inquired. When I told him, he smiled. “He doesn’t want to know how you’re doing,” my boss said with a laugh. “He’s asking for wasabi!”

　　我在一个寿司屋当待者。一次，我看到一个老顾客跟我打招呼。 “最近怎样了，宝贝”，他带着强烈的国外口音问道。 “一切都好，先生”，我回答。 刚过一会，那名顾客又跟我打招呼，问：“最近怎么样了，宝贝？” 我不知所已的同时又感到很烦，给了他一样的回答。 看到这个，我的主管把我叫了过去。 “那顾客要什么来着？” 他问。 当我告诉他的时候，主管笑了，“他并不想知道你怎么样了”老板笑着说，“他是要青芥辣”。

　　joozone.com

　　One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

　　Tom wasn’t happy about that: “When are you going to learn to be polite?”

　　Bill: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?”

　　Tom: “The smaller piece, of course.”

　　Bill: “What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?”

　　一天，BILL 和TOM 去一家饭店吃晚餐。很快服务员送过来两份牛排，BILL 迅速的给自己挑了份大的。

　　TOM很不高兴地说：“你要什么时候才学会有礼貌呢？”

　　BILL ：“如果你先拿，你会挑哪一份牛排呢？”

　　TOM：“当然是少的那一份了”

　　BILL：“那你还在抱怨什么呢？你就是想要小的那份牛排啊，对吗？”

　　joozone.com

　　The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister along fishing. “The last time she came,” he objected, “I didn’t catch a single fish.”

　　”I’ll talk to her,” his mother said, “and I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”

　　”It wasn’t the noise, Mom,” the boy replied, “She ate all my bait.”

　　当妈妈提出让小男孩带着妹妹一起去钓鱼时，他坚决反对。“上次她跟着我，”他反对说，“我连一条鱼都没能钓上。”

　　“我会告诉她，”妈妈说，“我保证这次她不再发出响声了。”

　　“妈妈，不是响声，”男孩回答，“是她把的诱饵都吃了。”

　　joozone.com

　　A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life, “My wife makes all the small decisions,” he explained, “and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other’s business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments.”

　　一个男人告诉他的朋友自己婚姻幸福美满的秘密，“小事都由我妻子决定，”他解释说：“而我只管大事，我们从不互相干涉，从不生对方的气。我们从来没有抱怨、没有争吵。”

　　”That sounds reasonable,” answered his friend sympathetically. “And what sort of decisions does your wife make?”

　　“听起来很有道理，”他的朋友深有同感，“有哪些事情由你妻子作决定呢？”

　　”Well,” answered the man, “she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays, and things like that.”

　　“嗯，”那个人回答说：“她决定我申请什么工作，我们住什么房子，买什么家具，去哪里度假这些事情。”

　　His friend was surprised. “Oh?” he said. “And what do you consider important decisions then?”

　　他的朋友很惊奇的问道：“哦？那么你决定哪些重要事情？”

　　”Well,” answered the man, “I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that.”

　　“嗯，”他回答：“我决定谁来当首相，我们是否要增加对贫困国家的援助，怎么处理原子弹等等这些问题。”

　　joozone.com

　　Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

　　When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. “Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he’s dead.”

　　Mary replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I hung him up to dry.”

　　Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天，他们沿着医院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水区，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潜到水底，把Jim拉了上来。

　　当院长听闻了Mary的英勇行为后，他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把她叫进了自己的办公室，“Mary，我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，这说明你的意识已经恢复了，你可以出院了。坏消息就是，Jim，你救的那个病人，他还是用自己的浴袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了。”

　　Mary说：“他没有自杀，是我把他吊起来好让他晾干。”

　　joozone.com

　　I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, “What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?” Expecting to see “the D-Day invasion” as the answer, I found instead on one paper, “Moses and the plague of frogs.”

　　那时，我给七年级的学生讲有关二战的课程，有一道测验题问，“史上最大规模的两栖攻击是什么？” 我期望看到学生填写的答案是“诺曼底登陆战”，但结果我在一张测验卷上看到的是“摩西和青蛙瘟疫”。

　　joozone.com

　　Thinking Back

　　We were gathered together, all ten of us, for our widowed mother’s 80th birthday. The conversation was of early struggles, walking to work and saving up in clothing clubs, when my elder sister said, “Of course, we were bound to be poor because we were such a big family. Mom, why did you have so many children?”

　　Mother looked around at us all and said, “Well, where did you want to me to stop?”

　　我们总共十个人，聚在一起祝贺已成为寡妇的妈妈的八十岁生日。谈的话题是我们家早年的艰辛，走着去上班，在“新衣会”里存钱准备买衣裳。这时我姐姐说：“当然，我们的生活没法子不艰难，因为我们家孩子太多了。妈妈，您为什么要生这么多的孩子呢？”

　　妈妈看了我们一圈说：“那么，你想让我在哪儿停住呢？”

　　joozone.com

　　Once there was a child who had lived to be seven without ever having spoken one word. His parents thought he was dumb.

　　They took him to a doctor, but were unable to find out the reason why he wouldn’t speak. No matter what they tried, he did not say anything.

　　One day, as the child was eating soup, in the middle of the meal he suddenly exclaimed, “Ayah! Too much salt!”

　　Everyone was startled, “Ah! Aren’t you dumb?”

　　”What!” he replied. “Who is dumb? I think you’re dumb!”

　　His family wondered and asked, “Why didn’t you say anything for the past seven years, and now all of a sudden you begin to talk?”

　　He replied, “There had never been anything to complain about!

　　But whoever cooked the food today, put so much salt in it.

　　How can anyone swallow something like this!?”

　　有一个小孩，他从小到七岁没有讲过一句话，父母都认为他是哑巴，带他去看医生也找不出理由，试什么办法还是不会讲话。

　　有一天，这个小孩吃饭时喝下一口汤后，突然说：“哎呀！太多盐巴了！”大家都吓了一跳：

　　“啊！你不是哑巴吗？”他说：“哑什么巴，你才是哑巴，谁哑巴！”他的家人感到很好奇，就问他：“怎么你七年来都不讲一句话，今天忽然间就讲话了？”他说：“从来没什么应该抱怨嘛！今天是什么人煮，放那么多盐巴，那么咸怎么能吃？”

　　joozone.com

　　任何人都可以当电话推销员？

　　Successful telemarketers don’t have to be brain surgeons, just good on the phone. Case in point: While serving in the quality assurance department of one marketing firm, I overheard the guy in the next cube ask for the customer’s e-mail address. “That’s great,” he said. “Now, if you can tell me how you spell ‘aol’?”

　　成功的电话推销员用不着是脑外科医生，他们只需要打电话时会说话就行。 例证： 当我在一家市场营销公司的质保部工作时，我无意中听到隔壁格子间的一个家伙在问他的顾客的电子邮件地址。“太棒了”，他说，“现在，你能不能告诉我，你是怎样拼写’aol’的”？

　　joozone.com

　　A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop.

　　”How can I help you?” asked the stylist.

　　”I went for a hair transplant,” the guy explained,

　　”but I couldn’t stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I’ll pay you $5,000.”

　　”No problem,” said the stylistand he quickly shaved his head.

　　一个秃头的男人坐在理发店里。

　　发型师问：“有什么可以帮你吗？”

　　那个人解释说：“我本来去做头发移植，但实在太痛了。如果你能够让我的头发看起来像你的一样，而且没有任何痛苦，我将付给你5000美元。”

　　“没问题，”发型师说，然后他很快帮自己剃了个光头。

　　joozone.com

　　Jimmy went into a shop, took a toy tank, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.

　　So, the shopkeeper told him, “Excuse me, little boy,this isn’t real money.”Little Jimmy didn’t reply, continuing walking out of the shop. The shopkeeper repeated himself, and Jimmy kept walking.

　　The third time the shopkeeper called him, “I’m sorry, young man, but this is not real money.”

　　Jimmy looked at the tank in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, “And this isn’t a real tank, either.”

　　吉米进了一家商店，拿了一个玩具坦克，给了店主假钱就走了。于是店主告诉他：“对不起，小孩，这不是真钱。”

　　小吉米没有回答，继续往外走。店主重复自己的话，但吉米继续走。

　　第三次店主叫住他：“对不起，年轻人，这不是真钱。”

　　吉米看着手里的坦克，又看着店主最后说：“可这也不是真坦克呀。”

　　joozone.com

　　Stormy weather diverted our Dallas-bound flight to another airport. As we approached the runway, the pilot came on the intercom: “For those of you who are not familiar with the area, this is Lubbock, Texas.” Then he paused. “And for those of you who are familiar with this area, I think this is Lubbock, Texas.”

　　雨暴天气使我们本来飞往达拉斯的航班不得不转飞另一个机场。 当我们的飞机靠近跑道的时候，飞行员通过对讲机说：“对于那些对这个地区不熟悉的人，这里是德州的Lubbock”。然后他停顿了一下，接着说，“对于那些熟悉这个地区的人，我感觉这里就是德州的Lubbock了”。

　　joozone.com

　　There was a person who was very, very greedy when he was eating. One day, he was invited to a party.

　　He sat there as if the whole table belonged to him, even though there were many guests around him.

　　He kept eating, eating, eating, fast, fast, fast, all the time, one thing after another. The people didn’t know how to stop him. Then suddenly, one person thought of a way of how to do it.

　　He asked the eating-like-mad person, “What sign of zodiac do you belong to?” This person said, “I belong to the Dog, my zodiac sign.”

　　Then he asked, “We are in the middle of eating, why are you asking my zodiac sign? What for?”

　　All the people said, “Why, so that we can be prepared to protect ourselves.”

　　The person who ate a lot said, “Prepare to protect yourselves from what?”

　　Then, the man who thought of the way said, “Oh! It’s okay now. Luckily you were born under the sign of the Dog. If you were born under the sign of the Tiger, then we’d have to run.”

　　有一个人很贪吃。有一天他被邀请参加宴会，他坐在那里好像整张桌子都属于他的，虽然身边有很多其它客人，他还是不断地吃、吃、吃，一直不停地吃，其它人不知如何让他停止。

　　突然间，有一个人想到了方法，他问那个疯狂的吃的人说：“你生肖属什么？”

　　这人说：“我属狗”，然后又说：“我们正在吃东西，为什么你问我的生肖？”

　　大家一起回答说：“为什么？好让我们能准备保护自己。”

　　那吃很多的人说：“为什么要准备保护你们自己呢？”

　　这个想到办法的人就说：“噢！现在好了，幸好你属狗，如果你是老虎，我们就要逃跑了”

　　joozone.com

　　There were two men who went out to eat together.

　　They ordered about four fishes on the table; and the first man kept eating, eating,

　　and eating to the third fish already.

　　At the last fish on the plate, suddenly he realized, “I feel a little bit embarrassed already. Oh, please! You take.”

　　So, the other man said, “Oh, never mind.

　　You take it that so they will be paired together, so that they won’t feel too lonely!”

　　有两个人一同出去吃东西，他们桌上叫了四条鱼，一人不断地吃、吃，已经吃了三条，最后只剩一条鱼在碟子上。当他突然发现盘子上只剩一条鱼时，便感到有些尴尬，他说：“噢！请你吃吧！”

　　另外一个说：“噢！没关系，你吃，让它们成双成对，以免它们会觉得太孤单。”

　　joozone.com

　　Sitting in his cab waiting for a fare, my friend’s husband, William, watched as a torrential downpour left lake-size puddles just off the curb of the busy street. Then the back door opened and a customer got in. As William asked the destination, the would-be passenger exited through the other door, successfully avoiding the puddles. “Thanks,” she said. “Chivalry isn’t dead after all.”

　　我朋友的丈夫William（是一名出租车司机），此时正坐在车里等着一名顾客付钱，同时，看着倾盆而下的大雨在那条忙碌的街道边上留下一些犹如湖一般大小的水洼。 这时，车的后座门开了，一位顾客钻了进来。 当William问她要到哪时，这名准乘客从车的另一扇门下去了，成功地躲开了那些水洼。“谢谢”，女乘客说。“看来骑士精神毕竟还没有死”。

　　joozone.com

　　卖保险 Vs 当救生员

　　My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesperson. Where the form requested “prior experience,” he wrote “lifeguard.” That was it. Nothing else. “We’re looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself,” said the hiring manager. “How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?””I couldn’t swim,” my pal replied. He got the job.

　　我的一个哥们去应聘当保险销售员，申请表上有一栏要填写“以往工作经验”，他就写“救生员”。 没别的。就这样。 “我们要找的人不但能卖保险，而且能自我推销”，人事经理说，“那当救生员与当销售人员又有什么关系呢？”“我不会游泳”，我哥们回答。他被录取了。

　　joozone.com

　　Finally, after years of testing business software, I landed my dream job — trying out computer games. My first day at work I was listing various ideas in a spreadsheet program when my manager walked by. He looked at my screen for a moment, and then said sternly, “I’d better not catch you using spreadsheets on company time when you know you should be playing games.”

　　做了几年商业软件测试之后，我终于得到了一份自己梦寐以求的的工作–电脑游戏测试。 上班的第一天，我用电子表格程序列出一大堆的想法，这时，经理刚从我身边走过。 看了一会我的电脑屏幕，然后严肃地说，“在上班时间最好不要让我逮住你使用电了表格程序。你知道，这个时间你应该打游戏。”

　　joozone.com

　　An Ogden, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation for a cup of coffee. When asked if that didn’t constitute gambling, the minister replied, “It’s merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity.”

　　Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliers, replied: “Of course not. After all, I may be wrong.”

　　A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question:

　　”If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?”

　　The winning reply was: “The one nearest the exit.”

　　衣阿华州奥格根的一位牧师正在与一位教友为一杯咖啡而猜硬币。别人问他那是否构成赌博行为时，牧师答道：“这仅仅是决定由谁来做一件善事的一种科学方法。” 当我人问哲学家罗素是否愿意为了他的信仰而献身时，他答道：“当然不会。毕竟，我可能会是错的。”

　　一份报纸组织了一场竞赛，为下面的问题征集最佳答案：“如果卢浮宫起了火，而你只能救出一幅画，你将救出哪一幅？”

　　获奖的答案是：“最接近门口的那一幅。”

　　joozone.com

　　As a commercial diver in the offshore oil fields of the Gulf of Mexico, I was assigned to a job on board a derrick barge. After my dive I spent the required time in the decompression chamber, and went to bed. Later I walked into the TV room, where I was surprised to see the entire dive crew sitting around. I asked one colleague, dressed in his wet suit, why work had stopped. Without looking up at me, he replied, “It’s raining.”

　　我在墨西哥湾的一个海面油田做职业潜水员，一次被指派到一艘吊杆起重驳船上工作。 在执行完潜水任务，并在减压舱完成规定时间的解压后，我就睡觉了。 之后，我走进电视室，惊奇地发现整个潜水队的工作人员都坐在了里面。 我问一个还穿着湿漉漉的潜水服的同事，为什么不接着干。 他头也不抬地回答，“正下雨呢”。

　　joozone.com

　　I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on base. So one morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with our instruments. Turns out one of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled. There was no arriving general — we had almost played for the weather forecast.

　　当时，我曾在南达科他州的Ellsworth空军基地的一个乐队工作。当有将军来到基地时，我们就得为他们演奏。 因此， 当一天早上，我们的指挥军听到无线广播中说有一位名为 Frost的将来会在午后来到基地时，他马上让我们带上乐器，火速赶往停机坪那边。 后来才知道，我们其中的一个乐手也听到了这个广播通知。 他把指挥官拉到一边，耳语一阵。 当他们回来时，指挥官告诉我们表演取消了。 原来根本就没有将军要来– 我们差点就给天气预告演奏了一回。

　　joozone.com

　　There was a thief who broke into a house and started collecting things. Suddenly, he heard a voice coming from a dark corner saying, “Jesus is watching you.”

　　So he looked and looked, but he didn’t see anyone.

　　He thought maybe his ears were deluding him.

　　So he continued collecting items in the house.

　　And then there came a voice again: “Jesus is watching you!” This time it was louder. So he realized that his ears were not wrong. He followed the voice to find its source, and he found a parrot sitting there.

　　So he asked the parrot, “Was it youwho said that?” And the parrot confessed, “Yes, I was just trying to warn you.” So the thief said, “Ha! Who do you think you are?” And the parrot said, “I am Moses.” So the thief laughed and said, “Ha! What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?”

　　The parrot was very shy, but he said, “Well, probably the same people who named the Rottweiler dog ‘Jesus’!”

　　(A Rottweiler is a first-rate guard dog. And this one’s name was Jesus. And he was watching the thief from somewhere. He weighed about 150 pounds.)

　　有个小偷潜入一间房子偷东西，突然间他听到黑暗的角落传来一个声音：“耶稣正在看着你。”他看来看去，却看不到任何人，他想也许是自己听错了，就继续的搜刮。

　　过了一会儿又传出同样的声音：“耶稣正在看着你。”

　　这次比较大声，所以他肯定不可能是耳朵有问题，他就寻着声音去找是谁在讲话，结果看到一只鹦鹉在那里，于是他问鹦鹉：“是你在说话吗？”鹦鹉承认说：“是的，我只是想警告你。”

　　小偷说：“哈！你以为你是谁？”鹦鹉回答：“我是摩西。”

　　小偷笑着说：“哈！是哪个呆瓜把鹦鹉叫做摩西？”

　　鹦鹉很不好意思的回答：“是把这里的罗特韦尔狗取名叫耶稣的那个人！”

　　〔罗特韦尔狗是头等的警犬，重达150磅，这只正好名叫耶稣，正在某个角落盯着那个小偷。〕

　　joozone.com

　　很明显，我是太爱在别人面前吹嘘我的家乡俄亥俄州了。一天，我又跟一位深受此折磨的朋友吹上了，“你知道吗， 第一位进行动力飞行的人来自俄亥俄州。 第一位绕地球飞行的人也是来自俄亥俄州。第一位绕月球飞行的人还是来自俄亥俄州”。

　　“听起来，好象很多人在俄亥俄州呆不下去了，”我的朋友说。

　　joozone.com

　　这是你被称为指挥的原因

　　I was percussion major when I was in college, and during a rehearsal of the student orchestra, my section kept making mistakes. “When you’re too dumb to play anything,” the professor conducting us sneered, “they give you a couple of sticks, put you in the back and call you a percussionist.” A friend next to me whispered, “And if you’re too dumb to hang on to both sticks, they put you in the front and call you a conductor.”

　　上大学时我学的是打击乐专业。在学生管弦乐队的一次排练过程中，我们打击乐的那部分乐手老是出错。 “当你愚蠢到什么都演奏不出来时”， 正在指挥我们演奏的教授嘲笑说，“他们就给你一、两根棒棒，然后把你放到后面，把你称为打击乐手”。坐在我身边的一个朋友跟我小声耳语，“如果你傻到两根棒棒都拿不好，他们就把你弄到前面去，把你称为指挥”。

　　joozone.com

　　A mother came home from shopping for tea, and saw that some tea had already been made by her 15-year-old daughter. The mother then asked the daughter, “Did you use the tea strainer?”

　　Because in England they use chopped tea leaves to make tea, and you have to use a tea strainer to strain out the tea leaves, and then drink only the liquid.

　　And the daughter said, “Yes, mother, I did filter the tea leaves. But I couldn’t find the tea strainer,so I used the fly swatter.” The mother said, “Oh! My God! Why did you do that? You shouldn’t have done that!” And the daughter said, “Oh mother, don’t panic. It’s just an old one. I didn’t use the new one.”

　　母亲购物回来，想喝点茶，发现她15岁的女儿已经泡好茶了，就问女儿：“你用滤茶器了吗？”因为英国人用碎茶叶来泡茶，所以要用滤茶器过滤出茶水来喝。

　　女儿回答：“妈，我有过滤，但因为找不到滤茶器，所以就用苍蝇拍来过滤。”母亲听了就说：“噢！怎么搞的，你不能这样做啦！”

　　女儿回答：“妈，你不要紧张，我只是用那支旧的苍蝇拍，没有用新的那支！”

　　joozone.com

　　挡风玻璃上的哪条雨刮总会先罢工？ 没错—-就是驾驶员这边的那条。 一天，我在暴雨中驾车时就赶上这破事了。 因为看不清路面，我就把车停在了路边，心里琢磨得赶紧想个法子。 当我看到地上躺着的一个黄色棉布工作手套时，心里有主意了。我把这只棉布手塞到了雨刮臂杆的下面。 这玩儿把挡风玻璃刮得干干净净的，非常好用。这还不止—- 你还会惊奇地发现很多人向你招手致意。

　　joozone.com

　　你睡过头事情就开始糟糕了

　　The day began when my daughter overslept, then realized she forgot to do her homework. As I drove her to school, I snapped, “I don’t want to hear a peep out of you. “When we arrived, she asked, “Can I talk now?” “Okay,” I grumbled. “I forgot my lunch.”

　　新的一天随着我的女儿睡过头而拉开序幕。这时，我想起她还忘记做作业了！ 开车送她去上学时，我生气地对她说，“你什么都别说，我不想听”。 到学校时，女儿问，“我现在可以说话了吗”？ “说吧”，我喃喃地 回答。“我忘记带午饭了”。

　　joozone.com