Bad Day——倒霉的一天_一天,倒霉,Day,Bad,_英语幽默笑话_作文地带

?Bad Day——倒霉的一天_一天,倒霉,Day,Bad,_英语幽默笑话_作文地带：
　　There was a guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stayed like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the drink from the guy, and drank it all down.

　　The poor man started crying. The truck driver said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”

　　”No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I was late getting to my office. My boss was outrageous, and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and when I left it, I remembered I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drove away. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

　　一个男人坐在酒吧里，看着自己的酒发呆。他这个样子已经有半个小时了。这时，一个好惹事的卡车司机走到他旁边，从他手里一把抢过酒杯，把酒喝了个精光。

　　可怜的男人大哭起来。卡车司机说，“拜托，哥们，我只是在和你开个玩笑。这样吧，我再给你买一杯，我实在受不了看着一个大男人哭。”

　　“不，不是那样的。今天是我这辈子最倒霉的日子。首先，我上班迟到了，我的老板是个蛮横的家伙，他把我炒了。当我离开办公楼去取车时，发现我的车被偷了,警察却说他们对此无能为力。于是我只好打车回家，下了车，我发现钱包和信用卡都落在了车上，但那个出租车司机已经把车开走了。我回到家，发现我老婆和园丁正在床上鬼混。我离开家，来到这个酒吧。而现在，正当我考虑要结束我的生命，你出现了，还喝了我的毒酒。”

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　　A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

　　怀上了第一胎时，夫妻二人去找医生做第一次检查。检查完后，医生拿出一个小印章在那位孕妇的肚皮上盖了个印，印章上用的是那种不能被水洗掉的墨水。夫妻俩觉得很有意思，不明白盖这个章有什么用，所以，一回到家，丈夫就找出一个放大镜，想看看印章上写了什么字。原来上面的小字是写着：“当你能看到上面的字时，回来找我做检查。

　　joozone.com

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　　>>更多英文笑话

　　Off from work

　　请假了

　　My personnel-management class consisted mainly of adult, working students. One night while discussing job enrichment, the teacher asked if any of us would be happy doing what we did that day for the rest of our lives. A student in the back raised his hand. Surprised, the teacher asked him, “What did you do today?” Smiling, he said, “I took off from work.”

　　我曾参加过一个员工管理培训课程，我们班上基本上都是成年人和一些半工半读的学生。一天晚上我们在课上讨论工作丰富化的问题。我们的老师问我们当中有没有人愿意一辈子做今天所做的事情。坐在教室最后面的一个学生举起了手。老师觉得很惊奇，于是问那个学生，“你今天做什么来着？”，学生笑着回答，“我今天请假了”。

　　joozone.com

　　A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.

　　The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price.

　　The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, “What do you suggest I wash it down with?”

　　”Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River.”

　　一个小伙子被安排去相亲，为了能给女孩留一个好印象，他带着她去了家收费昂贵的餐厅。服务生过来问他们要点些什么菜。

　　女孩开始点菜了，她几乎点了菜单上的东西，鸡尾虾、派、凯撒沙拉、龙虾、柳橙可丽饼，完全不考虑价格。

　　小伙子变得很不安，他真没想到女孩竟然会点这么多菜。这时她停下了，看着坐在对面的他，问，“你认为咱们该喝什么酒水配这些菜呢？”

　　“哦，亲爱的，我觉得没有什么东西比密西西比河更合适了。”

　　joozone.com

　　Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

　　“Hey there,” said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.

　　Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

　　”No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.

　　The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attracting them?

　　在田纳西州丛林的深处，一个乡下人的妻子半夜时分临产，一名医生被叫来帮手接生。因为那个地方没有通电，医生把灯笼递给那个快要当爸爸的农夫，说，“把这个高高举着，这样，我好干活”。很快，一名男婴降临到这人世界上。

　　“嘿”，医生说，“别着急把灯笼放下来，我觉得还有一个小孩要生出来。”，果然，没几分钟，医生又接生了一个婴儿，这回是个女孩。“灯笼举高点，不要坐下来，还有”，医生说。

　　又过了几分钟，第三个孩子降生了。

　　“别，别着急放下灯笼，看来，还有一个要出来!”，医生不由得惊叫起来。

　　乡下人挠头抓耳，不明白是怎么回事，于是问医生，“你觉得是不是，这些小家伙看到光所以爬出来了？”

　　joozone.com

　　一个软件工程师，一个硬件工程师和一个部门经理去参加一个会议，路上开车下一个陡坡时刹车突然失灵，汽车跌跌撞撞冲下山坡，终于奇迹般地停在了半山腰公路边。

　　部门经理说，“我们现在开个会，提出远景规划，编制任务说明书，明确目标，通过持续改进发现关键问题的解决方案，我们就能重新上路。”

　　硬件工程师说，“不，不，那样时间太长了，况且，以前这种方法也从没起过作用。我带着瑞士军刀，一会儿就能找着刹车系统，找出问题并修好，我们就能重新上路了。”

　　软件工程师说，“我认为我们首先应把车沿路推上去，看看是不是还会发生同样的事情。”

　　A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

　　I know, said the Departmental Manager, Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.

　　No, no, said the Hardware Engineer, That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.

　　Well, said the Software Engineer, Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.

　　创新句子：社会学家说：根据我的经验，汽车没有问题，是山太陡了。

　　转自幽默英语学习组，点击查看更多

　　joozone.com

　　A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

　　”This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

　　The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

　　The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”

　　Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

　　The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he has only one ear!”

　　The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

　　Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds “… think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

　　The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm… the suspect wears contact lenses.”

　　The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

　　”Well, that’s an interesting answer… wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

　　He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

　　”Wow! I can’t believe it… it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

　　”That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

　　一位警官正在询问三位想成为侦探的金发女郎。为了测试她们辨别嫌疑犯的技巧，他让其中一位看一张照片，五秒钟后把照片藏了起来。

　　“这就是你的嫌疑犯，你怎么样能把他再认出来？”

　　这位美女回答，“这太容易了，他只有一只眼睛，我一下就能认出他来！”

　　警官说，“喔……嗯……那是因为这只是他的侧面。”

　　警官被这个荒谬的答案搞的有点不知所措，他把照片在第二位小姐面前一晃，五秒钟后问道，“这就是你的嫌疑犯，你怎样才能把他认出来？”

　　女郎咯咯地傻笑，撩了撩自己的头发说，“哈！他太容易被认出来了，因为他只有一只耳朵！”

　　警官恼怒地叫起来，“你们两个是怎么搞的？他当然只有一只眼睛一只耳朵，因为这是他的侧面像！这就是你们最好的答案吗？”

　　他很泄气地给第三位女郎看了照片，很不耐烦地问她，“这是你的嫌疑犯，你怎么样再认出他来？”他迅速又补充了一句，“在给我愚蠢的答案之前你先好好想想。”joozone.com

　　这位美女很专心地看了一会儿，说，“他戴的是隐形眼镜。”

　　警官非常吃惊，一句话也说不出来了，因为连他自己都不知道那个人是不是戴隐形眼镜。

　　“嗯，这个答案真有意思。你稍等，我去查一下他的档案，马上回来。”他离开屋子回到办公室，查了下电脑中的档案，喜气洋洋地回来了。